I am so ridiculously sad right now. My husband NEVER listens to what I say, even - and mostly?- the most mundane of daily things. I should probably let it just roll off my back as my AA sponsor keeps telling me to do, but I think being stuck here, stuck and trapped for God knows how much longer makes it hard, often times impossible. I will tell myself to bite my tongue, to count to 10 and then respond softly or not at all, except just the screaming in my head. And it isn;t just me, he doesn't absorb stuff the kids will tell him either. BUT BUT BUT he recalls everything, every little friggin' thing, that his clients say, that his partners utter. Me? His kids? Not so much. It is disrespectful, it is some form of passive-aggressive maybe?
IT. JUST. SUCKS.
I want to be the brass ring.
There is a man who heard me, made me feel not invisible in the slightest. He even memorized my weekly schedule of meetings and karate! He never once said, "When did you mention that?" He listened. He heard. I was validated; my feelings were validated. It was more of a turn-on than anything physical might have been.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Why The Blog
On the occasion of my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, my father framed for my mother a carousel brass ring, nestled in a soft silk pillow, and included the following poem:
"Just look what I caught early on
As I reached out from Life's carousel.
It inspired a carefree elan
That's made the whole whirlwind feel swell.
So bless you, sweet Holly. 'Tis you've made the ride,
The brass ring of happiness, snug at my side."
I always wanted that kind of relationship; that brand of love. But I've never experienced it. Not ever. And it is probably, mainly, my fault, for being so impatient and settling for what I thought could be that sort of connection. For thinking I could cultivate it, instead of it actually just being there, right in front of me, welcoming me into its reality. I settled for less in relationships as a teen and into my early 20's, including two marriages, one at age 26, then other 10 years later.
The marriage I am currently in is for the most part dead in the water. I knew right from the get-go that Jon and I did not have the, uh, how should I delicately put this...? We did not have the most passionate of a physical connection. And then there was the matter of him being pretty closed off emotionally; he dismissed the terrible, horrible very bad divorce of his parents when he was 14, prompted by an act of his mother that was traumatic to him and his sister (not to mention his father, although let me tell you, he almost had it coming). He won't talk about how it made him felt, how the event closed him off, stunting any kind of depth in communicating, or in reaction to some other events that have occurred over 17 years of being a parent, of being a husband and a person in general. Anyway, although Jon is a decent, kind and generous guy, he was not, is not the "one." I knew this in my heart of hearts but stuffed it. And then reality set in, and set in with a vengeance in 1999 when I got sober.
Currently I am stuck in a loveless and empty marriage due to financial constraints which make it virtually impossible for us to live separate from one another. We have talked about it. I have made it clear that this is not a happily-ever-after situation. Yes, it is sad on a level or two. But there is an end in the distance... Still and all, I want to begin my life NOW. I am 54 years old. I have never had even close to what my parents had and I crave it. I deserve it. And the years tick by - will continue to tick by - and I don't know what it's like to cuddle in front of the fire with someone who meets all my needs and me, theirs. To have a lively and deep (or even deep-ISH) conversation with a man at dinner, a conversation that is more than on the surface and doesn't revolve around the kids or work or mundane topics such as when to open the pool or put the cover on the Mustang for the winter. I am bereft.
I want to be the brass ring.
I have hope that I will be, sooner than later. And most likely while I am technically still married. Judge me if you will, but life is too uncertain and too short.
Let me say it again: I want to be the brass ring.
As I reached out from Life's carousel.
It inspired a carefree elan
That's made the whole whirlwind feel swell.
So bless you, sweet Holly. 'Tis you've made the ride,
The brass ring of happiness, snug at my side."
I always wanted that kind of relationship; that brand of love. But I've never experienced it. Not ever. And it is probably, mainly, my fault, for being so impatient and settling for what I thought could be that sort of connection. For thinking I could cultivate it, instead of it actually just being there, right in front of me, welcoming me into its reality. I settled for less in relationships as a teen and into my early 20's, including two marriages, one at age 26, then other 10 years later.
The marriage I am currently in is for the most part dead in the water. I knew right from the get-go that Jon and I did not have the, uh, how should I delicately put this...? We did not have the most passionate of a physical connection. And then there was the matter of him being pretty closed off emotionally; he dismissed the terrible, horrible very bad divorce of his parents when he was 14, prompted by an act of his mother that was traumatic to him and his sister (not to mention his father, although let me tell you, he almost had it coming). He won't talk about how it made him felt, how the event closed him off, stunting any kind of depth in communicating, or in reaction to some other events that have occurred over 17 years of being a parent, of being a husband and a person in general. Anyway, although Jon is a decent, kind and generous guy, he was not, is not the "one." I knew this in my heart of hearts but stuffed it. And then reality set in, and set in with a vengeance in 1999 when I got sober.
Currently I am stuck in a loveless and empty marriage due to financial constraints which make it virtually impossible for us to live separate from one another. We have talked about it. I have made it clear that this is not a happily-ever-after situation. Yes, it is sad on a level or two. But there is an end in the distance... Still and all, I want to begin my life NOW. I am 54 years old. I have never had even close to what my parents had and I crave it. I deserve it. And the years tick by - will continue to tick by - and I don't know what it's like to cuddle in front of the fire with someone who meets all my needs and me, theirs. To have a lively and deep (or even deep-ISH) conversation with a man at dinner, a conversation that is more than on the surface and doesn't revolve around the kids or work or mundane topics such as when to open the pool or put the cover on the Mustang for the winter. I am bereft.
I want to be the brass ring.
I have hope that I will be, sooner than later. And most likely while I am technically still married. Judge me if you will, but life is too uncertain and too short.
Let me say it again: I want to be the brass ring.
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